Fewer young adults are getting married, having children, or even desiring either. I’ve seen some of my peers marry their high school sweetheart while others are juggling the idea of marriage at all. And while many look at marriage differently based on culture, religion, and even desirability. Marriage is becoming less common. And while the weddings are fabulous, the push presents are expensive, and a lot of these couples look absolutely stunning together…I began playing around with the question: should some of us be waiting for marriage?
I remember a year or so ago I was heavily into studying what it means to be a wife from a biblical aspect. Not because I felt as though I was going to or even wanted to get married anytime soon but because I’m infatuated with learning and being prepared. And while I’ve found ways to loosen my uptightness and readiness for a lot, marriage seems to be one of those things that is too serious to just wing.
I was of course immediately convicted by the plethora of scripture highlighting how terrible a quarrelsome wife is
Proverbs 19:13 “A quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof”
Proverbs 21:9 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”
Then Proverbs 21:19 “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife”
Like Jesus, I’ve heard, got it, I need to learn how to shut the heck up before I get married.
When Marriage and Purpose Compete for the Same Space
But in all seriousness I now had to play around with the fact if I even wanted to shut the heck up right now. I think there are seasons in everyone’s life where they should be unapologetic about every want, desire, and goal they have and go after it head first. Not carrying the responsibility of everyone else and definitely not something as sacred, covenantal as a spouse. We often hold selflessness in high regard. But sometimes it’s necessary for us to have a singular focus on our wants, desires, and ambitions. And marriage requires compromise to be selfless. While following your purpose sometimes takes concentration and the ability to disconnect from things that require too much time than you have the capacity to give. And when those two realities are competing for the same space, it’s worth asking whether you currently have the capacity to honor both well.
One of the more fascinating findings in relationship research is that marriage appears to benefit men’s longevity more than women’s. According to research published in SSM – Population Health and later summarized by Forbes, both married men and women tend to live longer than their unmarried counterparts. However, the gap is considerably larger for men. Women, on the other hand, often maintain similar life expectancy across marital statuses. This suggests that many of the health and longevity advantages associated with marriage may be less dependent on marital status for women than for men.
Findings like these have made me think about the assumptions we place around marriage, particularly for women. If marriage is a desire of yours, by all means pursue it. But perhaps the greater question isn’t whether marriage is good, but whether marriage is right for the season of life you’re currently in.
The Difference Between Wanting Marriage and Being Ready for It
There’s a couple of questions we should sit with before convincing ourselves that just because the desire is there, readiness is also. And readiness doesn’t always mean if you’re mature enough. Sometimes it’s about whether I have the time and or capacity to step into something that requires a level of selflessness that many of us simply don’t have. We often speak about marriage as though desire is the only prerequisite. If you want it, pursue it. If you find the right person, commit. But wanting something and being ready for the responsibilities attached to it are two entirely different conversations.
What are my current desires in life, and do they align with being a spouse?
Do I desire marriage in general or do I desire marriage in this current season of my life?
Why is marriage important to me?
And honorable mention for myself, do you want to shut the heck up in this season of life?
I believe marriage is a beautiful covenant. One I hope everyone who desires it gets the opportunity to experience. But perhaps the question isn’t simply whether we want marriage. Perhaps the question is whether we are in a season that can honor it. Because marriage asks for compromise, sacrifice, consideration. Marriage asks us to regularly place another person’s needs alongside our own. And while those are beautiful things, they are not small things.
So maybe for some of us, the conversation isn’t “Will I ever get married?” Maybe it’s “Am I willing to become the version of myself that marriage requires right now?”
For some, the answer is yes.
For others, the answer may simply be: not yet.
And perhaps that’s what it means to be waiting for marriage.
Because sometimes waiting is avoidance. But sometimes waiting is wisdom.
