Pride will have you blinded to realities that are blatantly in front of you.
There’s no way this person would see me this way.
Fabricating stories in your head to convince yourself of something that was never true.
I thought when one says “I do” it means “I do”.
Romanticizing moments that actually meant nothing.
Writing about feelings that never carried the same weight.
Sometimes reality arrives all at once.
The hardest part wasn’t her discovering she wasn’t the only woman.
It was discovering she wasn’t off limits.
Without reverence, love loses its meaning.
Without reverence, the future she imagined only belonged to her.
She didn’t know what to do with these intense feelings. For the first time she fell for someone who didn’t uphold her with high regard. Started to wonder what she could have done in the past to receive this sort of karma. She fell for the wrong one and is now confused.
She thought her discernment was better than it was.
Fantasized about a future that would not come to pass.
She’s embarrassed that she even felt this deeply.
But why must she pretend she’s not hurt?
Without reverence, her heart breaks.
Without reverence, tears fall from her face.
Her grandfather warned her about operating from her heart.
The Bible told her to guard it and play her part.
She didn’t listen.
She believed having a heart like Christ meant loving unapologetically, wholeheartedly, without constraint. But now she must face the pain of knowing that everything does in fact flow from it. The laughs they shared. The smile she couldn’t get out of her head.
His smile.
She once wrote…
I think I fell in love with you the first time we met
Maybe even before that
From the first call we ever exchanged
You made me feel safe
Seen
Understood
Respected
And most importantly like my art would never die if I created a story with you
You made me smile even being a million miles away
I could feel your presence merely by looking at a picture of you
And even on the days, weeks, or months we didn’t speak
no matter how enraged I wanted to be
I could just think of something you said that’ll make me laugh and forget I was angry you were gone
I was never sure if you felt the same way
Even to this day
And you might not even know due to the fact my pride won’t allow me to show too many feelings
Due to me being a sponge
I can absorb a lot but as soon as you squeeze me it’ll all come out
The emotions, thoughts, feelings
And you told me before you aren’t good with emotions
So I gather my thoughts and store them away
I look at your smile and wonder if I’ll ever get to love him
I look at your smile and wonder do I actually love him
I look at your smile and wonder or am I merely in love with the idea of you?
So again she must gather her thoughts and store them away
Because without reverence, the story written in her head became untrue.
Without reverence, she must say goodbye and never “I do”.
