Trying to have more of a heart like Christ this year made me a bit of a dummy. Not because Christ is, but because I’m not Christ. I’m human.
I usually operated from the perspective of allowing people to show you who they are and believing it. That worked in my favor on the dummy part, but I was cold emotionally. In order to save myself from hurt, pain, and grief, I never allowed myself to feel too much, love too hard, or express my emotions.
My ambition was always welcomed, but my desire to understand and be understood, my desire to be loved and to love, my need to express how I felt or to hear others’ feelings, that was a weight that was too much.
And while it protected my heart from being broken, it also protected me from being able to love boldly, unapologetically, without constraints.
And what is life if we do not love?
Not just romantically either. I mean love everyone.
Allow Yourself to Love and Be Loved
I used to cringe when friends told me they loved me. I literally felt like someone had a gun to my head as I uttered “I love you too” back.
My siblings would joke and ask if I was dying if I told them I loved them because they just weren’t words I would say. And if a man told me he loved me, I would, the majority of the time, just disappear, except for the two boyfriends I’ve had I guess.
But then this year, love oozed out of me.
I held hands with girlfriends when before the most you could get out of me was a side church hug. I allowed my friends to love me and not cringe. I told my friends, male and female, I loved them more times than I could count. I hugged everyone with both arms, especially my mom and little brother. I even admired and learned from a few men.
Hell, I even had my doctor feel something in my breast during an exam, and I went on with life smiling from ear to ear.
When I was 21, I had a bilateral lumpectomy for noncancerous tumors, fibroadenomas. But at 23, both my mother and grandmother were diagnosed with breast cancer.
So I have every reason to be concerned, worried, but I’m not.
I’m happy.
Take a Chance on Life
And I plan to stay happy.
To love more, feel more, hope more.
This is the happiest year of my life.
My smile lines have creased more. I may need a little Botox in that area if I keep smiling so much.
My heart has loved more.
I’ve had the energy of a joyous child.
And it makes my heart full just thinking about the abundance of joy I’ve gotten to experience thus far this year.
There’s this saying, “to have loved and to have lost,” and boy, do I believe in the freedom of it.
I expressed my feelings. Probably overexpressed.
I danced so many nights away.
I hoped for more.
I got more.
I left home.
I traveled.
I touched more money than I’ve ever had before.
I read.
I cried.
I prayed.
I did terrible cartwheels that my old cheer coach would side-eye.
And more than anything, I wrote and wrote and wrote and never stopped writing. I even submitted my work for a fellowship for the first time.
Redefine What Happiness Means to You
And because I’m dramatic as hell, I sat in the back seat of my Uber and thought, “If I died today, I would be okay, for I have lived this thing we call life.”
I have loved and lost. I have traveled and seen so many beautiful parts of this world. But more than anything, I never gave up on putting pen to paper, my art of choice.
But I have many years ahead, and I vow to never stop loving boldly and unapologetically out of fear of pain, grief, and hurt.
For a life well lived is a life well loved.
Yes, I am that dramatic.
But this is my drama, my theatre, and may I continue to keep acting out the best version of Jordan Alexis I can be.
I once wrote, about a year or two ago, a blog titled What Does It Mean to Be Happy? And my idea of happiness was being alone, in the ocean, with the wind blowing in my hair and being at peace.
Now my idea of happiness is dancing the night away, loving people unapologetically, and smiling from ear to ear.
Peace was my idea of happiness, and now I’ve added connection to the equation.
I pray that my idea of happiness keeps evolving and my smile lines keep creasing.
And remember, happiness does not come without hurt, pain, or grief.
But it definitely does not come from hiding behind coldness and a lack of vulnerability.
Take a chance on love, on expression, on feelings.
It’s worth it.
And you just might get to experience the happiest year of your life.
