For as long as I could remember I strived to be the best at everything I did. This is why I soon got diagnosed with severe anxiety when I went to college. Nothing I ever did was enough for me. For me to feel as though I was worthy I needed to be doing my best at everything, and I did exactly that. So before I turned 21 I was on track to graduate college a year early. Had a perfect 4.0 GPA. My credit score was 750+. I planned the perfect 21st birthday trip to Turks and Caicos. Bought my Camaro in my name. And about 12 million other things that I accomplished perfectly. Even how I was coping with the fact I found out I had huge tumors in both my breasts was perfect. I was going to therapy, working out, started my blog, was traveling, focused on school, and making a shit ton of money while doing so. I was living out what I thought was the perfect track for me.
However what happens when you start the race in a sprint and never slow down. You eventually crash. And that’s exactly what happened to me. The week before it was time for me to graduate I had my first severe mental breakdown to the point I no longer had it in me to be me. Despite all the things I had accomplished none of it mattered. I got an amazing job opportunity, and the world was at my fingertips to go after everything my heart desired. I finally can just blog, live, travel, and perform my poetry. Not even that was enough for me to want to live. I was done. I had enough. And I had no desire to be here anymore.
I was fortunate enough to have a mother who spoke life into me. And she told me that the enemy couldn’t attack me physically so he attacked me mentally. She said I can’t tell you how to survive but you have to because you have so much to do, offer, and inspire. So while that day I couldn’t even get out of my bed and every negative thought I could have about myself I had. I woke up the next day and chose to keep going. I made a promise to myself that I will continue to strive for the best and go after everything in my heart to do, but I would stop chasing perfection. While I was initially embarrassed at the fact I suffer from severe anxiety I soon realized it was simply just another layer of Jordan Alexis. I never planned on sharing the fact I was suffering in silence, I was scared, I was hurt, I felt unworthy, and ultimately did not want to be here anymore. However, acknowledging your mental health doesn’t take away from who you are as a person. So if you are someone who struggles with slowing down, and being perfect like myself…
Acknowledging your mental health, Suffering in silence is not a healthy coping mechanism. Rather it’s harmful. Acknowledge your feelings and seek professional help.
Take the time out to celebrate your accomplishments, Let me tell you it’s hard being proud of yourself. It’s hard acknowledging the fact you did what you set out to do. Don’t allow your life to be just a checklist of goals. Make sure to celebrate in between those moments.
- Don’t sprint the entire race, pace yourself, I know it’s rewarding to accomplish everything you set out for. Best believe I am someone who is pro sprinting the race. However, that drives your anxiety and you have to sometimes be patient and pace yourself.
- It’s okay to not always be okay, Guess what? It’s impossible to be happy all the time. It’s impossible to be positive all the time. It’s impossible to always be okay and that’s okay. Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel.
Do what you’re purposed to do and what’s going to make you happy, While it’s nice to make your family proud and prove society wrong. YOU MUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! While I went to college cause I genuinely love school it’s seriously not for everyone! Rather you want to become a neurosurgeon or get on the pole, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!
Even though I drove myself into a dark place trying to be perfect I honestly have no regrets about the fact that I sprinted to get to where I’m at. However, I do acknowledge the fact I have to start being patient with myself. I have to understand that despite all the things in this life that’ll try to tear you down you have to “just keep swimming” in the great words of Dory. You’re deserving of it all, just make sure you always check in with your mental health.
