Because It’s Embarrassing Not To Know How
“I’m just a hot head.”
“I’m sensitive and they need to just understand that.”
“It’s not my fault I’m nonchalant, I’m just chilling.”
And the examples… well more like excuses… can continue for a long time due to the fact that lack of emotional regulation has become normalized, or even synthesized into regular human behavior, when in all actuality, it’s not.
Emotions are normal. Every last one of them. Joy, anger, sadness, anxiety, stress, hell, even jealousy, that so many people pretend they don’t harbor. But how we choose to respond, or better yet regulate said emotions, is key.
Psychologists define emotional regulation as the ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in healthy and productive ways. Not suppress, explode, avoid, or mismanage. And studies have consistently linked poor emotional regulation to increased anxiety, depression, relationship conflict, substance abuse, and even physical health issues like high blood pressure and heart disease.
Let’s start with anger.
Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Anger is a common emotion, all too common for many. It has long been linked to heart disease, chronic stress, high blood pressure, and other negative health outcomes when it is constantly present in one’s life. According to the American Psychological Association, chronic anger can even weaken your immune system over time.
But outside of the negative physical outcomes, on a more conversational level, it’s absolutely embarrassing.
Being a hot head is embarrassing. Being so easily angered and provoked that you cause scenes in public, make others feel intimidated, small, inferior, it’s disgusting. But for whatever reason, people have found a way to make this okay if they can justify why they were brought to said anger.
But as I’ve written before, one can be right but not justified.
Emotional Dysregulation
The same can be said for being overly sensitive or nonchalant.
Being overly sensitive can, a lot of times, lead to constant overreactions. You feel triggered, unheard, unappreciated, taken advantage of, and because you feel so deeply, you respond so intensely, and that is not okay.
Now, there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with feeling deeply, being more sensitive, or carrying more empathy than the average Joe. In fact, empathy is a beautiful thing. But your depth of emotion does not excuse erratic or impulsive behavior simply because people should understand “you’re sensitive.”
Your feelings are valid. They deserve to be expressed appropriately. But it is not for you to burden others with your lack of emotional regulation just because you feel deeply.
And even underreacting can be a sign that you do not know how to properly regulate your emotions.
Shutting down. Avoidance. Letting everything “roll off your shoulders.” Constantly pretending you don’t care. That isn’t always emotional maturity. Sometimes it’s emotional suppression.
Now yes, there are definitely situations and people that do not deserve your energy or a response. But if avoidance is your response to everything, you might want to ask yourself: Why am I afraid to express my emotions?
Because you deserve to let things out, communicate, and process what hurts you instead of quietly carrying it until it turns into resentment, numbness, or emotional detachment.
Ignoring emotions does not make them disappear. So how the heck do you regulate your emotions?
Here Are Five Tips To Start
Identify Your True Emotion
A lot of people think they’re angry when they’re actually embarrassed. Or hurt, rejected, even disappointed. Anger is often a secondary emotion. Meaning something else triggered it first. So before reacting, ask yourself what you’re actually feeling.
Because “I’m angry” and “I feel abandoned” require two very different responses.
Wait To Respond
Did you know most emotions physiologically last about 90 seconds unless we continue feeding them with our thoughts? Meaning that sudden urge to react does not need to control you.
It’s okay to pause, breathe, step away, and collect yourself before speaking.
Self-Reflect
You have to start asking yourself hard questions.
Why does this trigger me so deeply?
Or why do I feel the need to raise my voice to feel heard?
Why do I shut down anytime conflict arises?
Why do I constantly assume the worst?
A lot of emotional reactions are learned behaviors. Childhood environments, trauma, unhealthy relationships, insecurity, fear of abandonment, all of these things shape how we respond emotionally. You cannot regulate emotions you refuse to acknowledge.
Learn How To Communicate Your Emotions Properly
A lot of people think emotional regulation means becoming emotionless. It doesn’t. It means learning how to express yourself without exploding, manipulating, shutting down, or becoming passive aggressive.
There is a huge difference between saying:
“You never listen to me!”
And saying:
“I felt dismissed when you interrupted me.”
One escalates conflict. The other creates room for understanding.
Healthy communication is emotional maturity.
Try Therapy
Therapy can help you identify emotional patterns you don’t even realize you have. Defense mechanisms. Triggers. Attachment styles. Communication habits. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, therapy has been shown to significantly improve emotional regulation, stress management, and interpersonal relationships.
Emotional Regulation
At the end of the day, emotional regulation is not about becoming perfect. You are still going to get angry, cry, and feel deeply. You’re human. But being human is not an excuse to emotionally terrorize everyone around you. And honestly, one of the most attractive things a person can possess is emotional stability. The ability to pause. To communicate. To process emotions without making everyone else bleed because you’re hurting.
That’s maturity.
That’s growth.
