I’ve gotten comfortable serving two Gods.
Being okay with the emancipation of my religion due to the disposition my bishop put me in.
The church is tainted with lies.
My smile is tainted with sin.
Where do I begin?
I’m only halfway in.
Hiding behind the facade of good when deep down idolizing the creation of man.
Not sure if I’m a good person who sinned,
Or a sinful person who simply has good within.
Religion is the blanket to hide all immorality.
Believing we can fool God about our sinister acts.
As if I can out-articulate God to believe that I am his child,
While his child goes to see the prizes she can collect if she continues to neglect her faith.
Leaning into the deep despair of Lucifer’s rains.
I’m only halfway in.
What do we do when our lukewarmness doesn’t look like the societal depiction of hell, but rather the image of what one should be?
If I keep my legs closed, drink not from the glass of dark liquor, get only on my knees to pray, and give my ten percent on offering days.
How am I not withering in the likeness of God?
It sounds better to say I am a God than to repeat I was made in his likeness.
So I say catchy shit like “God’s favorite” when I’m feeling on top of the world.
As if God is playing favorites with a child that can only pray to him when life gets hard.
Only cries out when the pressure of the world gets too heavy, and anxiety starts to creep in.
But I think I’m safe because I go to sleep at night with lustful acts of materialistic things rather than a man lying next to me.
I’m only halfway in.
To be one with God means to continuously find ways to change.
So as I close my eyes to confess Christ and pray for guidance to become the woman he called me to be.
I now see it’s not hell I’m trying to escape but rather I’m escaping my own purgatory.
Because I’m tired of being halfway in.
Build your own relationship with God…It is important to have a spiritual leader to look up to and surround yourself with friends and family who have a commonality in their spiritual journey. Others’ relationship with God will be different from yours and that is ok. Despite your religion, spiritual journey, or even who/ what you consider to be your God. Remember to build that relationship for yourself, with yourself, and only allow people you trust to guide you. Rather you are a Christian or worship the stars and moon, identify how you want your relationship with God to look, feel, and be like and start building from there. God communicates with us all differently. So don’t allow one person’s relationship with God to be the blueprint for what yours should be.
Take your journey day by day…Your relationship with God will feel stronger some days and weaker other days. Don’t allow that to discourage you. It’s impossible to have a perfect relationship with God. It’s also impossible to correct everything you think is wrong with you overnight. Allow yourself the freedom to figure things out and enjoy the journey.
Surround yourself around people who are grounded in their spirituality…I’m not a holier-than-thou type of Christian. So you won’t catch me saying stay out of the clubs, and only go to church. Everything you do in life should not be centered around societal religious tasks. Of course, our lives should be centered with God, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up everything and do exactly as the church says. The church is loud and wrong sometimes. However, it is important to be around people who have a genuine understanding of their spirituality. Don’t surround yourself with someone who will stray you away from your spirituality, but rather pull you closer. So if your goal is to have a better relationship with God, be amongst people who are working towards the same thing.
Be okay with ending relationships…Many times we are aware of who should not be in our life anymore. However, people’s titles, the amount of time you’ve known them, or even you don’t have the confidence to tell someone you’ve outgrown them will leave us in relationships with people who don’t align with our life anymore. It’s not only romantic relationships you can be unequally yoked. I’m not suggesting you go off and tell family and friends how you’re so different now and they don’t align with the people you want in your circle; but it’s okay to not pick up their calls, not answer their texts, and not go out with them on every outing. Once you start creating those boundaries it’ll be easier for you to take the time to observe and see if this is someone who is in your life due to a genuine relationship or not. A great way to see if someone is meant to be in your life is by measuring your energy levels after your encounter with them. If you left feeling drained it’s time to say goodbye.
Know that perfection is impossible…While perfection in theory is beautiful it does not exist in reality. Chasing perfection will have you constantly feeling like you aren’t doing enough, and that you aren’t enough. While it will be ideal to have the perfect romantic relationship, the perfect friend relationship, and the perfect relationship with God. It merely isn’t possible. Utilize the previous tips as well as constant reassurance that perfection isn’t possible to give yourself grace. With this grace, you are allowing yourself the beauty of relationship building. You will fall short, and mistakes will be made. However, remember my words…“Dear my love, don’t leave yourself behind trying to find who you are. Neglecting yourself because you can’t seem to stop and breathe. I promise you perfection will never put your mind at ease so please just be. Bow your head and ask God for the guidance of your needs and remember you only need the faith of a mustard seed. Remember your light can heal the fear of not being enough, and remember your mere existence is enough.”
Isaiah 41:10…Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Poetry Book “Unclothed” now available
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/unclothed-jordan-alexis/1142860693?ean=9798823160872i
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