Tired of being halfway in is what I stated.
Scared shitless is what I meant.
Death has a tricky way of opening your eyes to things.
Desperate for answers to, Why Me?
Am I being punished for the sins I committed,
Or was I simply being dramatic?
We are all human beings living in a world filled with trials and tribulations despite being believers or not.
The first time I was sitting in the doctor’s office about the tumors in my breast I was scared I was going to die.
I’m dramatic. So death was just automatically the result.
However, experiencing that made me no longer scared of death…or at least I thought.
This time it wasn’t death that scared me sitting in the doctor’s office but rather where I would go.
Purgatory was what came to mind…
I thought not being too of this world was enough to shield me from the wrath. As if God wouldn’t see my secret selfishness that could easily be hidden behind an innocent smile. It was never about me regaining faith in God’s existence, but me regaining the knowledge that even though God’s covering is over me the world can still have access when I’m constantly opening up the wrong doors.
While you can always run back home to God you will still have to face your iniquities. I’ve been lukewarm for a while now. My realization of this only started a couple of months ago. Hence my series titled escaping purgatory. To give a brief overview of what it is, purgatory is a place or condition where purification happens for those of us who die but are given the grace to be made ready for heaven. Think of it as a realm for people who have died with the love of God, but are not yet perfect for God. So they go to purgatory for purification to be prepared for heaven. Purgatory comes from Roman Catholicism. I’m not Catholic, but I still used what it is to bring light to darkness. A darkness I wasn’t even aware I was in. However, there’s only so long you can run and hide before darkness starts to seep into your innocent smile.
So yes I got tired of being halfway in
But scared shitless was the truth
So in my journey of finally Escaping Purgatory…
Here Are Five Of My Iniquities To Help You Forgive Yourself For Yours
Sexual immorality… When people discuss sex regarding sin, it’s usually from the perspective of a man or woman who is struggling with promiscuity. Due to many wanting to appease themselves, they make someone else sin greater than theirs. I thought I was safe from this sin for some reason. I had a true disdain for men so the thought of allowing one to touch me was repulsive. So I thought. However, you can’t keep putting yourself in constant temptatious environments and think your sweet innocence is enough to shield you from this world. So I fell victim to playing dating games. Not from a godly sense either. I was beautiful, educated, and body BODIES ok. So getting all these great bachelors to court me was my little game. But the more I centered what this world said about dating the less God was in the center of my dating life. Chile if he was fine, educated, gentleman, and had money that was enough. Trust I’m beyond disappointed in myself, but that was my truth. I thought not sleeping with them was enough. All in all, I ended up losing at my own game and fell into sexual immorality with one of these gentlemen. Honestly, I didn’t even feel guilt behind doing it because “it’s not like I’m sleeping around” is what I told myself. But in actuality, I was losing myself to the world and didn’t even recognize it.
Idolization… When I think of someone serving other gods I imagine polytheistic religions. Never crossed my mind that my love for materialism all fell into that realm of idolization. Consumed with consuming everything that made me feel good at whatever cost. Hair, clothes, trips, bags I wanted it all. I deserved it all. Never looking back to see ways I could give back for the blessings I had. Now grant it God didn’t put us on this earth to live in poverty and not enjoy life. But when I center things at the forefront of my life versus God himself that’s where the problem lies.
Leaning on my own understanding… “Proverbs 3: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; And lean not unto thine own understanding.” Figuring out what’s next all on my own was all I did. I’ll say a cute prayer to convince myself I was following God’s plan but in actuality, I was following mine. Hence why I’m currently in grad school when I know for a fact God told me when I graduated from undergrad to take a break and focus more on him. But hey I have degrees to get and money to make. It is hard to stop, breathe, and listen to God. Especially when everyone around you keeps telling you the plan you created for yourself is right and to keep going. Well, I have now passed out from sprinting on a race I technically wasn’t even signed up for. No, I’m not going to drop out of school or run away to another country like I would love to do. But I have learned to hear from God you have to stop running away from God. So running my race has come to an end.
Secular music… Extremely religious/ judgemental Christians make it seem like if it’s not a gospel song then it’s secular music which is so not the case. However, what you feed yourself does affect your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Which also includes the music you listen to. Music is a beautiful thing and has so many different genres that feed your spirit in differing ways. I did have to give up listening to finese2tymes. I don’t need the spirit of pimping women feeding my soul. However, just learn to be more discerning when it comes to the music you feed your soul. You want joy, happiness, freedom, peace. Listen to artists that feed those emotions.
Despair…God is a FORGIVING GOD for those of us who fear him. We live in a world full of sin and it is impossible for us to not sin. However, to think that because something bad is going on God is punishing us is not the case. Forgive yourself, always make strides to grow, and know despite all trials and tribulations God has a plan for your life, and it’s purposeful. Don’t allow the fears of this world to make you feel so low to the point you can’t do it anymore. Whatever the man thinketh that he shall be. Counter those negative thoughts with positive ones. Trust and have faith. I promise you got this even when you feel like you don’t. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
Psalm 103:10-11… “He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, So great is his
mercy toward those who fear Him”
Poetry Book “Unclothed” now available
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/unclothed-jordan-alexis/1142860693?ean=9798823160872i
