He asked me what am I afraid of. I responded, “you”. He was confused because in his head he’s done everything right to allow me to be his muse. He didn’t understand my jadedness. Why one day I would make love to him, cater to his every need, allow his masculinity to lead me and fall prey to living in my femininity? I wasn’t combative or argumentative. I accepted his constructive criticism and aligned my dreams with his. We were almost perfect in his head. While I was his muse I was having a hard time allowing him to be mine. Scared of losing myself behind a “man”. While I uttered the words te amo a thousand times I couldn’t help but feel like I was being drained from within. Fighting the battle for my societal independence with my natural essence of what it means to be a woman. Do I give this my all? A question I couldn’t answer on either end. Being fulfilled from the perspective of personal achievements or with him. I know it’s logical to think I can have it all, but eventually, something would have to fall to allow what’s important to bliss. So do I be fruitful and multiply like it says in the good book or do I focus on my dreams and aspirations?
He asked me if I loved him. I responded, of course. However, I was starting to become unsure. I began to resent him for continuously bringing up…Our future, Our marriage, our kids, our, our, our, our. A word I could no longer take to hear. So I screamed at him to stop. He was again confused. Stop what Jordan, he asked. I stated stop telling me what I’m going to do. He grabbed me by the hands and asked again, what are you afraid of? I screamed, You! Why Jordan, What did I do? He yelled. I told him, I have my own dreams. He said that was what drew me to you. I’m not trying to take away from you being yourself. However, it’s for you to forgive yourself, not me. I abruptly stated, forgive myself for what? He murmured, That being a writer wasn’t your only dream as a little girl. You dreamed about getting married in an old catholic church in Rome and wearing the most beautiful gown in the world. To only have a best man and maid of honor with no groomsmen or bridesmaids. To have your honeymoon right in the heart of Milan and do the whole Eat, Pray, Love thing for a while. You’ll be a successful writer amongst all those things I know. But it’s not my fault you also dream of marriage, again it’s not me you’re afraid of… it’s you. You’re afraid of being a woman. Because by allowing yourself to become that vulnerable you can no longer protect yourself. You would have to trust me to do that for you. The question is not what you’re afraid of but why you’re afraid of it.
I asked myself, Why am I afraid? It wasn’t because one dream would have to be put on the back burner. I knew if anyone could juggle chasing them all it was me. That was just again one of my defense mechanisms to protect me. If I made it about not losing myself then it was more appealing to hear and I wouldn’t have to come face to face with the realities of my fear. Not him but myself. So as I stop lying to both you and me I now see that it was never a thought about if I truly loved you, it was more about how do I tell myself that I want to exude in my femininity. How do I come to terms with affection and vulnerability? How do I not have a wall built up? But with you I see it is no longer my job to worry about those things. Therefore I state te amo mi amor, forever and always.
Vocalize Your Feelings… It’s important to have an understanding of your emotions. Usually, the problem lies in how to express your emotions. When you struggle with being vulnerable it may come from a fear of being hurt, rejected, or misunderstood. However, despite those things you have to have a true understanding of your feelings and give yourself the right to be vulnerable. It’s necessary to be able to vocalize the how, what, and why of your feelings.
Understand Your Worthy… You may struggle with understanding your worthiness for whatever you want out of life. It’s never about how someone else depicts your worth, but how you do. Practice knowing your worth, understanding your worth, and only entertaining things that are worthy of you.
Don’t Waiver On Your Morals… We all have some sort of foundation of morals and principles that we believe in. No one is perfect so we may waiver on those sometimes due to wanting to try new experiences. However, for you to be able to vocalize your feelings, and understand your worth it is important you don’t waiver on those morals. People will pressure you into doing things that don’t align with your values due to the comfort or benefit it brings them. However, don’t allow someone else’s inability to stay true to themselves to change you.
Allow Yourself To Feel… It can be uncomfortable sometimes trying to gauge how you feel. No one wants to sit in their emotions and overthink. It can honestly be draining. However, it is better to allow yourself to feel those emotions than keep them bottled up. So if you’re angry, be angry for a while. If you’re hurt it’s okay to feel that. Just don’t sit in those negative emotions causing them to consume you and change who you are. Remember to always combat negative thoughts, and feelings with positive ones.
Practice Mindfulness… Being mindful is one of the best practices you can do to keep you on the right track. There’s this saying that people who live too much in the past suffer from depression and people who live too far into the future suffer from anxiety. However, if you practice being mindful about the present day, what is currently going on is a big help to keeping your emotions balanced. Making sure you stay aware of all the positive things going on and establishing boundaries even with the way you think can make a big difference. When you focus on the good and keep acting in your purpose. Everything will align with what and where God wants you.
Jeremiah 29:11… “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.
Poetry Book “Unclothed”
Available for Presale
Official Release May 21, 2023
https://thejordanalexis.com/book/
