When Following God Still Feels Like You’re Drowning
There’s a kind of pressure that comes with feeling far from God. To grow, be better, and become who you believe you’re supposed to be.
I didn’t realize how much of my life was shaped by that. I wrote a series, I believe about two or three years ago, titled Escaping Purgatory. It was raw, personal, honest, and one of my favorite pieces I’ve written. Not because it’s my best work, it’s not, but because for the first time, I shared confidently that I wasn’t perfect.
I’ve struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember, and I know I’m not the only one. And no matter how much I learn, grow, and try to stop caring, that little voice telling me I must be perfect remains.
Fortunately, it’s gotten a lot quieter.
But I would be lying if I said it ever fully went away.
Over two years ago now, I made the decision to get baptized as an adult. I was ready to have my own relationship with God, outside of just being raised Christian. And like a lot of people stepping into their faith for themselves, I put way too much pressure on myself. And unfortunately, the church I got baptized at didn’t help. It reinforced this idea that I needed to be a perfect Christian.
But Something Still Felt Off
So I tried.
I stopped listening to secular music entirely. Distanced myself from most of my friends at that time. Nightlife no longer felt like an option. You could find me in church practically every Sunday. I joined the choir. I began reading the Bible every day and stopped using curse words. And about 12 million other things that all aligned with what I thought the “good Christian” looked like.
Because when you’re trying to get it right, you start building a version of yourself you think God will approve of. And to be fair, even though I don’t fully agree with how I began this journey, giving my life to God as an adult was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I grew.
Loved deeper.
And became more confident, more fearless.
My anxiety didn’t go away entirely, but it lessened in ways I can’t even fully articulate. And my joy? Out of this world. I got through life trials that I truly don’t think I would have survived without God. And most importantly, I found myself, my true self… or at least the foundation of her.
And now I’m in year three of reading the entire Bible in a year.
My daily scripture streak is 555+ days.
I’ve been blessed mentally, spiritually, and financially.
And this is the happiest I’ve felt as an adult.
The Harder Truth When You're Feeling Far From God
But somehow…I still feel like the biggest sinner.
And at times, feeling far from God without understanding why.
I started to beat myself up. Maybe it’s because I started listening to secular music again. Or because I go out every now and then. Maybe it’s the clothes I wear. Or it’s because, even after three years, I still spell out my curse words instead of eliminating them completely. Or it’s because if I don’t feel like going to church, I just watch online.
And then I had to sit with a harder truth.
Maybe it’s not the music.
Or the nights out.
Or my tight clothes.
Maybe it’s me.
Or maybe it’s the way we start to internalize perfection without even realizing it.
Not because I’m doing everything wrong. But because I’m still trying to earn something that was never meant to be earned. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that God’s love was conditional. And I think a lot of us do that without even realizing it.
That if I just did enough right things, said enough right prayers, cut off enough “worldly” habits, then I would finally feel close to Him.
But the truth is…I’ve never been further from God than when I was trying to be perfect for Him.
What Being “Lost At Sea” Really Is
And maybe that’s what being “lost at sea” really feels like. Not that God moved. But I drifted into this idea that I had to become someone else to stay in His presence.
When in reality…
I was already covered.
Already chosen.
Already loved.
Even in my inconsistency, contradictions and the parts of me I’m still trying to figure out.
So maybe even in the moments I’m feeling far from God.
Maybe I’m just learning that closeness to Him was never about perfection in the first place.
And if I’m being honest…
I think I’m finally learning that grace was never something I had to earn, just something I had to accept.
